Maggie's experience as an American single mother in Stockholm, Sweden has been anything but a fairy tale. Read her hard-hitting observations about local traits, laws, and culture, and find out how she has succeeded career-wise in spite of the odds that she faced.	Maggie

August 21 2006

-Where were you born?
I was born in New York City, but spent most of my adult life in Los Angeles before landing in Sweden.

-In which country and city are you living now?
I live in Stockholm, Sweden

-Are you living alone or with your family?
I am a single parent with a 10-year-old son. I have no family in Sweden.

-How long have you been living in Sweden?
In January 2007 it will be 10 years.

-What is your age?
I am a very young 48 years.

-When did you come up with the idea of living in Sweden?
I always imagined visiting Western Europe (London, Paris, Madrid). I never imagined or wanted to live in Sweden. In 1997 I came to Stockholm from Los Angeles with my then Swedish husband and infant child for a short visit.

We expected to be here a few months due to a short-term work contract my husband had. During that time, things between us became untenable and we split up. Never did I suspect that Sweden, with its forced shared child custody laws, would end up forcing me to live here. I could leave, but not with my child, although he was US born.

It was a bitter pill to swallow: alone with an infant child in a foreign country, no job, little money, and no family to give needed emotional support. Even my ex's family and friends were suddenly not available to offer help or lend a shoulder. Apparently, it’s not an uncommon situation for others who’ve divorced Swedish spouses.

I often advise men and women to understand the rights they leave behind and the laws they are going to be expected to follow before making a commitment to move to another country. Love is far from being the only factor to be considered. Would you choose to live in that country if you were on your own or as a single parent? If the answer is NO, then don't do it. Fewer than 20% of these intercultural relationships survive (where each person is brought up in a different country).

Also, try to understand (as difficult as it may be without experiencing it) that the qualities and skills that have served you well in navigating society in your country might be hindrances in your new one. You might find you have arrived in a country where individuality is not embraced, and where assertiveness is not appreciated, for example. This is the case for many Americans coming to Sweden. We tend to be very confident, outspoken, unafraid to point out our strengths and to describe our successes. These things are considered major no-no’s in Sweden. Eventually you will find a middle ground between who you are and what society here dictates, but that can take some time.

-Was it hard to get a visa or a working permit?
No. I went in for an interview with my ex and our child. The woman at the immigration authority told me, as she was stamping my application, "You're American. We want you." I received my permanent residency card within three months. And, when the law changed allowing dual citizenship, I received Swedish citizenship two months after my application was sent in. I know that this is not the experience of most people from other countries, but be aware there is discrimination and prejudice, despite any laws against them. Americans are perceived as people who don’t enjoy taking welfare/government handouts. Yes, it’s a welfare state, but there are economic concerns, as in any other country, and they prefer admitting people who will contribute to society more than take from it.

-How do you make your living in Sweden? Do you have any type of income generated?
I had worked as a financial analyst for 16 years before suddenly having to earn a living in Sweden. I sent out many, many CVs to many companies, but to no avail. I had no contacts, spoke no Swedish and had no knowledge of the Swedish financial laws. I was here three months.

I had little money and I needed to find a job, and fast. I decided to use my business skills and to start my own business. The few Swedish acquaintances I had put me down and laughed at my decision. When they started to take my self-assuredness away, I dropped them all. I knew in my heart I could make it work, and I didn't want them to sap the emotional and psychological energy I needed. Within a month I had one client, and within a year I had a couple of big customers. By my second year I was invoicing in the 7 figures - while raising a two-year-old alone. How did I do it? I had no choice. It was sink or swim. I saw a need I could satisfy and I started contacting companies to show I could help them. There are some specific actions I took, but I plan to reveal them later in my blog, My Life in Stockholm.

-Do you speak Swedish and do you think it's important to speak the local language?
I'm a bit of a rebel when it comes to this topic. I think everyone deserves respect whether they speak the local language or not. I also think that if I were raised in a country where I had to learn another language from the age of seven, that language would probably be as comfortable for me to communicate in as my mother tongue.

So, I'm sometimes miffed by Swedes who demand that everyone speak perfectly accented Swedish. WE haven’t been learning Swedish from the age of seven! But Swedes have been learning English from that age!

It's not easy for adults to learn a new language. It's not easy for someone who is trying to build a new life in a country, while raising children, and creating a social network, etc., to suddenly drop everything they've ever been and become Swedish. While this may not be what is expected, it certainly feels that way to a lot of expats here.

Language is not only about the words that come out of our mouths. It's about personality, humor, personal expression, values and many other things. It takes many years to become perfectly fluent in another tongue, and to comprehend the unspoken subtleties that always exist between the words. In Sweden there is a unique culture of jantelagen that is part of the fabric of society, as much as people might try to deny it. When they speak highly of humility, for example, jantelagen is to what they are actually referring. It is the idea that one is nothing and should aspire to nothing. On some level this concept permeates all of society and interpersonal exchange from employment to grocery shopping to marriage. This is a concept that is alien to many other cultures. For most Americans, this is completely anathema.

So, my answer is: I am pretty fluent in Swedish, especially in reading. I have done a lot of translations from Swedish to English on a professional level. I speak Swedish when I must – for example, it seems most who work with immigrants or in the government can only speak Swedish - but I prefer to speak English. Anyone who wants to be close to me and to understand me in the most fundamental way will be a fluent or native speaker of English.

Communication is of the utmost importance to me, and I cannot be 100% myself unless I am speaking English. This has not been a problem for me in my career. In fact, I have gotten to the top ranks, despite my lack of desire to speak Swedish on a full-time basis.

I am a contributing member of society and I expect to be accepted as such, whether or not I choose to speak Swedish in my daily life. If you bring me into your world, we will both need to change. It doesn’t only work in one direction.

Obviously, how you feel about this question of language depends on the circumstances of your presence in a country. For me it was not a life decision I made on a conscious level, although an argument can be made perhaps for an underlying soul intention.

That said, I enjoy incorporating Swedish holidays into my life. For me they do not have the emotional impact they do for Swedes, but it's my way of participating and of enjoying fellowship with my friends, even though most of them are expats. Do I have Swedish friends? There is a Swedish word: nja. It means Yes/No. I know Swedes, but I don’t feel I have been accepted fully enough into their intimate lives to be called a friend. Most expats I talk to feel the same way.

When you live in another country, it does change you on a fundamental level, although you do eventually realize there are certain parts of you that will never change. Just because you move abroad doesn't mean you become a different person. As with any experience, it changes some of your perspectives, but at heart you will always be the person you have always been.

Your boundaries will be stretched and changed. Your preconceived notions, of yourself in the world especially, will probably be completely revisited. Your view of your own country will probably change. How and when you relate to family and friends back home might go through some transformation as well. Eventually you will adjust and embrace the new you.

-Do you miss home and family sometimes?
I miss family, friends and home sometimes very much, especially at major holidays. This is the most difficult thing to handle. Flying home can be a quite expensive proposition. For most people, it’s not possible to return once a year. Even though I return at least once per year, it’s not always possible for me to be with family for major holidays. This makes for a lonely and sometimes depressing holiday season. There’s no more politically correct way of expressing it.

I have Skype, so my friends and family in the US can call me for the price of a local call (or free if they have Skype too). I can also call them for free or very little money. This is important because sharing things spontaneously is much better than a once a week call or a once a year visit. I’m thankful for digital media and the options it provides. It doesn’t make up for being there in the flesh when it really counts, though.

-Do you have other plans for the future?
I always have plans for the future. It’s the one thing that has helped me survive and succeed in this country. My vision is global. I have never allowed myself to become fearful and take a narrow view of what my possibilities are. I think that is the single most important thing for me to share from all of this. It’s a cliché, but the only constant is change. Nothing lasts forever. I’m now planning a life that is more global in scope, rather than simply “going home.” I don’t know where home would be anymore, in any case.

-What about housing, have you bought, or are you renting a home? How much do you pay for it?
I owned my own flat until recently. I sold it when interest rates began to rise. I now rent. Housing in Stockholm is quite hard to come by. Firsthand contracts or leases are notoriously difficult without contacts or without paying “key money” under the table (illegal). Buying apartments is extremely expensive. A studio or one bedroom flat can easily cost 1000 Euros per month in the city proper of Stockholm. That gives you an idea of the scope of the situation.

Expect to pay a very high rent for a sublet, although this is regulated by law and earning money from housing is not allowed. I know people who happily pay over 1000 Euros per month to sublet tiny flats in the city. On top of that there’s electricity, telephone, cable TV…

-What is the cost of living in Sweden?
Quite high. Recently an article named Stockholm one of the most expensive cities in the world, #9 in the world, according to the latest surveys. Unfortunately, salaries are not on par.

Those who live elsewhere in Sweden do not have the same access to expats and expat groups as in the capital city. Not having people with whom to share your language and cultural references might make your life lonelier than you can imagine. You will certainly have to assimilate faster to survive, though.

-What do you think about the Swedish people?
In general, Swedes tend to be more tolerant of English-speaking newcomers. In my experience, after being here 10 years, there is a big difference in how you are treated when you are spending money, and when you need to make money. Business takes time. As far as regular salaried employment, I hear time and time again that ethnic Swedes will be chosen over you unless there is a stated need to hire a non-Swede.

Many say that sales positions (low base salary plus commissions) will be open to non-Swedes (for example), but managerial positions and other good paying jobs will be harder to come by for the non-Swede.

Most expats complain that it is not common to receive invitations into the Swedes’ inner circles (weekends, holidays, family events). If you have a Swedish partner, the rules will seem to have changed in your behalf, but many find that if and when you are on your own again, the invitations and the friendships disappear. There are, of course, exceptions to all of this, but this is what I hear to be, in general, the experience of most expats I’ve gotten to know.

-What are the positive and negative aspects of living in Sweden?
There are many positives and negatives. This is not the utopia to live in as an expat, but then again there are worse places. If you are determined to come here, you might find you will need to work hard to achieve the levels of existence you previously took for granted. Or you might be one of the few who slides right into a comfortable existence.

Know that there are prejudices wherever you go. As much as I hear that "Swedes love Americans" I was and still am surprised at the constant anti-American comments in public media and private life. There seems to be at least a stereotype or two for every country. This is not limited to Sweden, of course.

If you enjoy being active and outdoorsy, then this is an environment that might suit you in that regard. There is a lot of bicycling, walking, jogging, hiking, skiing, swimming, boating, football – sports are big. There is nature close by at all times, even in the big city. Mushroom picking, berry picking – these are favorite pastimes for many.

-Do you have any tips for our readers about living in Sweden?
I’d give this advice regardless of which country you choose to explore: learn about the cultural values. If you can, determine what the local stereotypical judgments are of other countries, including your own. Find out what the laws are for lovers living together, married partners, child custody, divorce. Don’t listen to your lover’s supposedly knowledgeable input: I’m often amazed at the erroneous information Swedes give to foreigners. They tend to repeat what they hear, even though there’re a lot of misconceptions – especially about emigrating and family law. Get good legal advice – many lawyers will talk to you by phone for free. If you can’t find answers about Sweden, then write to me!

-Do you have any favorite Web sites or blogs about Sweden?
I started a blog about 4 months ago for recent arrivals to Stockholm. It’s called My Life in Stockholm. In a very short time, my readership has surpassed 25,000 unique visitors. My aim is to share the knowledge I gained over 10 years.

There are various other fora and sites available in Sweden, but be careful as there are many people whose lives are so derived of meaning that they use these fora to bully and put down newcomers. You don’t need that. When you arrive in a new country, you need all the help you can get. It’s a really difficult step to take. Probably the most difficult one you’ll take in your life.

I have tried to be as honest as I can in this short space, and to give you a more pragmatic viewpoint than perhaps some others who try to sugarcoat the experience. Moving countries is a big step and should not be taken lightly, especially when children are or might be involved.

Will your life change? Yes. Will you become a better person for the experience? We should hope so! Might your life have been better and/or easier having stayed in your home country? Only you can say for sure.